You Have To Ask For What You Want

As a mother of three young adults, I have realized over the last 5-8 years, those raising children in the late 1990's-2015(ish) did a great disservice to our children. We took care of most things for them. When there were challenges at school, we intervened. When there was conflict with friends, we got involved. While unintentional, the impact of this was we did not teach the younger generations how to ask for what they want, and I believe by doing so, we taught them being told no is scary. So scary in fact, it is safer not to ask.

Now, let's be clear...of course we told our children no...no, you cannot have that candy, no, you cannot stay home from school, no, you cannot go to that party where there will be alcohol. But in most critical situations where the stakes were high, many Millennials and Get Zs did not have the privilege of learning to deal with difficult or perceived difficult situations and it shows up in the workplace daily.

How many times as a leader have you had a great employee turn in their resignation and it catches you completely off guard? You have a conversation with the employee and learn the reason they're leaving is because they did not get something they need or want, but you're puzzled because they never asked for what they needed or wanted.

A few years back I was talking with my son who was 23 at the time. He was interested in a job he saw online so I asked him if he had called the company to inquire. His response, 'No, they said they want one year of welding experience, and I don't have that." I replied, "Maybe not but you just finished a welding certification program. They probably asked for experience because they need someone who knows how to weld, which you do because of the program you just finished. You should call them."

It was in that moment I realized my son did not call because he believed, or was maybe afraid he would be told no, so he did not ask. I ended that conversation with a simple question "What is the worst that can happen, they say no? If so, you've lost nothing." My son called the company; he did not get an interview because he did not have the experience the company desired, but what he did get from this experience was a change of mindset. He learned to ask for what he wanted, and if the answer is no, he would be ok. He went on and started seeking out any opportunity that was interesting to him, and he got a job in his field, even without having experience.

As leaders, we have an obligation to teach our teams to ask for what they want, and to learn to be ok if the answer is no. So how do you do this? I believe there are a few key things you must do as a leader, with the first being establishing trust. To establish trust, leaders must have integrity. They must be transparent in their communication, say what they do and do what they say. This is the first step.

Next, leaders need to get to know their employees. They need to know what they like and what they don't like. Then they need to honor those desires as much as possible. This shouldn't be confused with compromising doing what is right or violating policies for the sake of accommodating employees. It means making personal connections with your team and knowing what is important to them. This can be accomplished by asking new team members about themselves. One of the simplest things you can do as a leader is to have new hires complete an "About Me" form. Ask them what their favorite things are, how they like to be recognized, etc., then using that information to show your employee you care about them as a person by recognizing, rewarding and communicating along their preferences.

I'll share an example of how well this works, I have always been one who does not need a lot of recognition, and public recognition is painful for me. I just don't care for it and do not like being put in the spotlight in front of others. I've said before, I have been blessed to work with some amazing leaders, ones who really got to know me and, on the occasion, when my leader felt I deserved extra recognition, they valued my preferences and leveraged hand written thank you notes mailed to my home. I valued that so much. In fact, I still have those cards (which says a lot for a person who is not sentimental). On the other hand, I had an employee in my last job who thrived on public praise. As a person with very different preferences, I had to regularly remind myself, although I did not need it, my team member did so I looked for opportunities to recognize her in front of others. When I found opportunities to give public praise in group settings, I could see it energized her. I once heard we should treat people by the Platinum Rule. Different from the Golden Rule, the Platinum Rule is to treat others as THEY would like to be treated. These examples are what getting to know your employees and treating them as they like to be treated looks like.

In addition to getting to know your employees as people, and not just employees, leaders need to show they have their employee's best interest at heart. You can accomplish this by creating a culture of two-way dialogue. Having regular, purposeful conversations with your employees is not only good for your team members, but also for you as a leader. It helps you stay informed. A great guide how to do this well can be found by Googling Quint Studer. Studer has tons of research out there showing what questions to ask to make a discussion intentional. BUT just asking the intentional questions is not enough. You must do something with what your employees tell you. A great way to cultivate and nurture the trust is by following up on what you learn. If your employee tells you they're child is getting married, make note of it and ask them about it once the wedding is over. If they tell you they need something to better do their jobs, explore getting them what they requested then communicate back to them the status of their request. Even when the answer is no, tell them but tell them WHY the answer is no.

When leaders build a culture of trust and transparency, it makes it safe for employees to ask for what they want. It will minimize surprises to the leader and will have a significant impact on the bottom line because having an engaged team drives performance. And when all of these factors are right, it teaches you and your team the valuable lesson my son learned, which is....

If you do not ask, the answer will always be no. So, teach your team how to ask for what they want by making it safe to ask It will help you avoid surprises as a leader too!