"It Is Lonely at the Top" Is Not True: Finding Fulfillment in Leadership
When I first began my career as a leader, there were some hard lessons I had to learn. I had spent the previous 6 years as a HR Consultant and had developed many relationships with managers, peers, and employees. Some of those relationships became friendships, and as with most friendships, you get to know one another beyond the professional level. You share stories about your family, your life, the good and the bad. Granted, being in HR, there were some boundaries that couldn’t be crossed, and I was mindful to ensure I was always fair and factual, with no favoritism, but I did not let that stop me from building great relationships with others.
As I started my first director role, who I was as a person did not change. I was still the energetic and passionate person, and I walked into the new organization fully expecting to build similar relationships. I was not prepared for the change. I wasn’t expecting employees and leaders to have barriers and it took me some time to adjust to this change. I had a wise leader who served as a mentor to me once tell me “It is lonely at the top.” When she first shared those words of wisdom, I did not quite understand what she meant. In my mind I was surrounded by other leaders and work shouldn’t feel lonely, but it did feel less connected.
As time went by and I grew into the role of a leader, those words resonated more and more with me. I learned there was a different level of expectation for anyone in a leadership role. It was critically important that leaders balance building personal connections with others, while also maintaining a distinct separation between being a caring leader and being a personal friend. Every level of the organization had to have confidence and trust in me as the HR leader, and that did require being mindful of personal friendship, but it did not mean excluding my life or who I was as a person from others around me.
Still, I spent years trying to understand and believe that, sometimes, it is just lonely in leadership. There are tons of articles out there about why ‘it’s lonely at the top,’ which just reaffirms as a society, we are trained to believe it is true.
Several months ago; however, I saw a post on LinkedIn that challenged this mindset, and it stopped me in my tracks. I thought, for years I’ve believed this and I’ve even coached others to believe it when they were in a tough situation because they let personal friendships interfere with fair leadership. But as I contemplated the post, I realized I don’t actually believe this and with that simple post I read, I quickly resolved in my mind, if you’re in leadership and you’re lonely, you’re not doing it right!
Absolutely, we should help new leaders learn to balance fairness, professionalism, confidentiality, and inclusion in all situations, that is a given, but instead of setting the expectation that it is “lonely at the top,” we need to show new leaders when you lead with caring and compassion, you’ll never be lonely.
So, I will close with this challenge, quit telling new leaders they’re going to be lonely! Instead, teach them to lead with their head and their heart, to treat others equitably and do what is right in all situations, but at the same time, cultivate meaningful relationships. Teach them to build teams on a solid foundation of trust, reliability, and accountability and when they do that, they will find leadership is full of contentment that brings a great deal of satisfaction knowing you’re serving others who look to you to lead.
